And here I thought I was serious… September 14, 2007
Posted by Anya in : spontaneous degeneration , trackbackThe dear Omnibus assignment… I think I got the formatting cleaned up a bit… (and this after I said to A.W. the other night, “since when has silly stopped me?”)
Dear Mother,
We have set out on our grand adventure! Right now we are staying at an inn, but Hamlet is already complaining about sore hooves. What a fussy little porker! Oh well, if he doesn’t want to stick with it, he can always go home, right? I had the opportunity to meet a charming spider today. Love,
Wilbur Dear Mother,
My hooves hurt. I’m tired. It rained all day today. Life stinks. Love,
Hamlet
Dear Mother, The trip is proceeding well, although Hamlet is being his usual melancholy self, and Wilbur is being quite easily distractible. Hopefully I can keep them in line until we find a suitable place to build.
How is everything at home? Well, I need to get to bed so that we’ll be ready to go bright and early tomorrow! Direct letters to the Feeding Trough Inn; we’ll leave a forwarding address for them. Love,
Francis
Dear Wilbur, I was delighted to hear about the charming spider which you met. I’d encourage you to cultivate your opportunities to make new friendships, but show a bit of restraint and keep your mind on your main mission: finding a new home.
No, none of you may come home to live. It is time for you to be out in the wide world. Love,
Mother
Dear Hamlet,
Don’t be so depressed. It will make you lose weight. Go take a nice mud bath, and you will feel much better. Love, Mother
Dear Francis,
Remember that a good attitude works wonders, and that a good dinner works miracles. Your best bet for keeping your brothers in a good frame of mind will be to make sure that they are eating heartily and often. I should know, having raised you three little porkers. Things at home are fine, now that the Christmas season is done and we are safe for a few more months. I’m thinking about going truffle-hunting in a few days. Love, Mother
Dear Mother,
You will never believe what has happened! Hamlet is actually building himself a house! He found a man who was selling straw, and seeing how cheap it was, he decided that it would be the perfect housing material. We helped him get it started and put the frame up. I myself think that it is a bit flimsy, and the sticks which we used for a frame would make a much better house themselves, but once Hamlet sets his mind on something, there’s no changing him. We left him a few days ago to continue on our journey. The road is very dusty.
Your son who needs a bath,Wilbur
Dear Mother,
I believe that Wilbur informed you that Hamlet has decided to strike out on his own and build a straw house. I don’t think it’s a good idea (the chap who sold him the straw looked rather shifty, and had large teeth), but Hamlet can make his own decisions. Wilbur was delighted to make the acquaintance of a nice young pig named Babe. This pig, while seeming quite polite, also suffers under the delusion that he is a sheepdog.
Yours in true pig-dom, Francis
Dear Mother,
Dear Wilbur, Sticks would be sturdier than straw. Tell me more about your new friend Babe; he sounds very interesting.
Hoping that you can get a bath soon, Mother
Dear Francis, Yes, Hamlet is definitely old enough to make decisions for himself. I wouldn’t worry about it, although he has complained to me about odd dreams lately. He’s probably been eating bad scraps, though.
I wouldn’t worry about the pig Babe either. If he wants to think that he is a sheepdog, it doesn’t seem that it would cause any problems. Love, Mother
Dear Hamlet,
It sounds as if your dream involved a wolf. That is why I have always cautioned you to be careful of the sort of company you keep, because wolves are quite nasty to get involved with. May I suggest that you not eat so much before you go to bed? Sleep well, Mother
Dear Mother,
Forget about Babe! I have met the girl of my dreams and will be settling down with her! Her name is Miss Piggy. We are going to build a house out of sticks in a pleasant little spot in the woods. Yours in rapture, Wilbur
Dear Mother, Now I’m all alone. Oh well. I’m planning to travel a bit farther before deciding what sort of house I’d like to build. The world is a very interesting place.
I’m glad that you told me about Hamlet’s disturbing dreams, because I have been hearing rumors about a pig named Hamloaf who has been visited by a wolf threatening to huff and puff and blow down his house. Apparently news of my brother’s dreams travels as quickly as I do. Currently I can be reached at “Oinker Hotel”.
Your contented (but hungry) son, Francis
MOTHER TERRIBLE WOLF AT MY HOUSE STOP HUFF AND PUFF STOP AND BLOW HOUSE DOWN STOP HAMLET
Dear Wilbur, My congratulations on your lovely wife and house.
Have you heard from Hamlet lately? Mother
Dear Francis,
I received a most alarming telegraph from Hamlet. Have you heard from him? I’m glad that you’re enjoying the world, but do watch out for wolves.
Love, Mother
Dear Hamlet, Are you sure it was a wolf? It sounds like a nightmare to me. Your concerned Mother
Dear Mother, I have not heard from Hamlet lately. However, I have begun work on my house. I’m building it out of brick, which I find to be pleasingly sturdy.
Come to think of it, I haven’t been able to get hold of Wilbur either. But I haven’t had much time for writing. Getting back to work, Francis
DEAR MOTHER STOP THE MOST DREADFUL THING HAS HAPPENED STOP HUGE BEAST CAME AND BLEW MY HOUSE OVER STOP MISS PIGGY WAS TERRIBLY FRIGHTENED AND BROKE OFF THE ENGAGEMENT STOP RAN OFF WITH A FROG STOP I’M GOING TO FIND FRANCIS STOP LOVE WILBUR
Dear Mother, I’m writing this and hoping that somehow it finds its way to you. Of course it was a wolf; I know a wolf from a watermelon.
Hamlet
Dear Francis,
Both of your brothers have reported to me that a wolf has blown down (?) their houses. I would advise you to be on your guard. I no longer have addresses for either of them. Love, Mother
Dear Mother,
Well, it is all over and we are all safe at last. Yes, all of us; Wilbur and Hamlet are in the kitchen right now. As it fell out, they arrived at my house only a few hours before the wolf. They told me (rather incoherently) what had befallen them and we took precautions. Sure enough, the wolf came and knocked at my door.
“Little pig, little pig, let me come in,” growled he. Although I was quaking at the sound of his voice, I replied with as much assurance as I could muster, “Not by the hair of my chinney-chin-chin, I won’t let you in!!!”
“Then,” he said, “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll BLOW your house down!” At this Wilbur and Hamlet began squealing so loudly that I was afraid he would not be able to hear my reply. “You’ll need more lung power.”
He huffed and he puffed until he turned blue (by the way, my garden is flourishing from the overdose of carbon dioxide!) but it did him no good. Then he decided to climb up the roof and down the chimney. We had a fire waiting for him, though, and Wilbur and Hamlet are currently enjoying Roast Wolf.
Now that we’re settled in cozily, we’d be delighted to have you come visit! Your loving son, Francis
Comments»
Lol, great story. And my dear, if I may say so myself, I quite love your silly side. Reminds me of me.
That was hilarious:)!
Seize The Day!
-StrongJoy